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Dandelion by ~Shazbar:iconShazbar:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Nature > Open


The writer and weed are one and the same,
fighting to reach the sky.

      A taproot embraces the blacktop,
                     and a rosette circles its throat.
                     (an upside-down crown)
                               Each ends with a flower head,
                               flourished with seeds that sparkle
                               like stars when they catch the dew.

                                        Released, they'll lift into the air
                                        like nimbus parachutes, or heavenbound fireflies,
                                                             leaving behind
lonely playgrounds, overgrown courts, and crooked crevices.

                                                            (Finally)
©2007-2009 ~Shazbar
:iconshazbar:

Author's Comments

8/28/08: Re-revised.

6/8/08: Old, old, old. This is probably my first decent piece of writing.

Daily Deviation

Given 2009-06-01

The delightful poem Dandelion oft reminds me of my early days of summer, and I could not resist coming back to those fond memories. ~Shazbar does a fantastic job of bringing this very imagery to life. (Featured by ^LadyLincoln)

Comments


love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconbatousaijin:
~batousaijin Dec 3, 2007, 7:08:19 PM
i don't know how i feel about it... hmm, i don't think i like the title: aloof, not accessible... :shrug:

--
Tots and Teens: The Children's Literature Contest --Amazing literature and amazing prizes!! :typerhappy:
:iconshazbar:
~Shazbar Dec 3, 2007, 7:18:41 PM
Hmm...what about changing it to something simple like Nimbus or Weed Writer then, or even just Dandelion? :shrug:

I have no idea how to tell you what you should feel though. D:

--
What has been sold,
not strictly made of stone,
just remember that it's flesh and bone.
:iconchillinvillain:
=Chillinvillain Dec 3, 2007, 7:42:12 PM
Released, they'll lift into the air
like nimbus parachutes,

^--beautiful stuff. I think you could drop the excess after the comma there into a new stanza.

Other than that seems like your syntaxical choices and odd kenning style metaphores are kinda messing things up: "weed writer", "With the flower head, come Spring,", "embracing hardpan

--
:relaxed:
-CV
Fortune Favors the Bold
:iconbatousaijin:
~batousaijin Dec 3, 2007, 10:53:54 PM
true, it's just that, a feeling, nothing more.

--
Tots and Teens: The Children's Literature Contest --Amazing literature and amazing prizes!! :typerhappy:
:iconshazbar:
~Shazbar Dec 4, 2007, 3:12:50 PM
But your opinion is of value to me! :ohnoes:

--
What has been sold,
not strictly made of stone,
just remember that it's flesh and bone.
:iconbatousaijin:
~batousaijin Dec 4, 2007, 4:42:53 PM
simple is safe... i am really having a hard time with this one. where are you coming from with it?

--
Tots and Teens: The Children's Literature Contest --Amazing literature and amazing prizes!! :typerhappy:
:iconshazbar:
~Shazbar Dec 4, 2007, 6:48:35 PM
If you're referring to the theme, (which I hope you are, since I don't know what else you would be referring to) I think I was basically aiming to make a sort of metaphor between writers and dandelions, and how the best part of a writer's existence is the ideas (seeds/parachutes) they leave behind.

--
What has been sold,
not strictly made of stone,
just remember that it's flesh and bone.
:iconbatousaijin:
~batousaijin Dec 4, 2007, 10:44:41 PM
ok, i can see that now. just, the whole thing kinda hit a brick wall when it tried to enter my head <grin>. if that's your theme, i think there are ways to make it more obvious for thick-headed readers like me. if it were me, i'd pick "writer" or "weed" and stick with that, then to make the comparison to the other i'd use imagery and verbs associated with the other. like the dandelion grows the length of its pencil and blossoms its pages, or the writer spreads his/her weedy seeds. you could even do both, but i'd do them separately otherwise it's too... not obvious, but... not captivating either. am i being too harsh? *sigh* i don't wanna scare away my kewt widdle kouhai.

--
Tots and Teens: The Children's Literature Contest --Amazing literature and amazing prizes!! :typerhappy:
:iconshazbar:
~Shazbar Dec 6, 2007, 5:44:35 PM
:lol: No no, you're not being too harsh! This is exactly what I need to learn, how to really cognitively write. Experimentation'd be useless unless there was no one here to tell me what's effective and what isn't. So no worries Mikey, 'n thank youu! :>

--
What has been sold,
not strictly made of stone,
just remember that it's flesh and bone.
:iconadobemaster:
Mood: Love ~adobemaster Dec 15, 2007, 5:12:38 PM
i like this a lot, but I think your overwriting your analogy, by this I mean that its too literal you could have gone with a more subtle approach in order to include your aesthetic audience into appreciating your poem instead of just your functional audience, but over-all I love the poem, especially when you say 'a lithe stem stretches up', it really gives the reader the image of the fragile flower rising from the ground

--
my gallery is better than your gallery: [link]
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